Parental Presence: How Parents Regain Agency Through Inner Stance and Relationship in Challenging Times

Amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life and family challenges, parents can lose their parental presence in their children’s lives. Be it stressful family conflict dynamics or couple conflicts that affect the family dynamic, bullying at school, or psychological burdens. If children react to their parents with challenging behavior as a result, parental overwhelm is often not far behind. Frequently, a complex web of stressors develops, accompanied by feelings of powerlessness and shame – and often leading to an inner withdrawal. This spiral is intensified by the tendency to withdraw further and remain alone with the overwhelm.

This is where the concept of systemic parent coaching, developed by Haim Omer and Arist von Schlippe, comes in. It revolves around strengthening parents in these challenging times and supporting them in rediscovering their parental presence and self-efficacy. This approach is based on the stance of Non-Violent Resistance: through an attitude of watchful care, persistence, and respect, far removed from threats and power struggles.

In families where children exhibit challenging behavior – be it aggression, withdrawal, or self-harm – parents often reach their limits. Communication breakdowns, feelings of devaluation, and growing despair can strain relationships and lead to a vicious cycle of powerlessness, guilt, and isolation. In a desperate attempt to control the situation and not lose contact entirely, some parents resort to authoritarian measures, which rarely achieve the desired effect and often exacerbate conflicts.

These escalations can not only lead to hurt on both sides but also unintentionally reinforce problematic behavioral patterns. The belief that relationships can be regulated through power proves deceptive and leaves behind frustration and renewed feelings of failure. The fronts harden further, and both sides increasingly struggle to save face. And particularly fatal: for the child, this leads to a legitimization of violent behavior.

Parental Presence as an Anchor:

At its core, parental presence is about being visibly and reliably there for the child in difficult moments. It is an attitude of watchful care that signals: “I see you, and I am here for you, even when your behavior challenges me.” In this context, Haim Omer speaks of a “New Authority” that is not based on fear and punishment but on a strong parent-child relationship, persistence in dealing with problems, and a deep respect for the child. This respect manifests in parents taking responsibility for respectful interaction and not demanding it from the child. The “New Authority” is thus a framework that supports parental presence with concrete action strategies.

Non-Violent Resistance as an Expression of Presence:

A crucial aspect of living parental presence in everyday life is the approach of non-violent resistance. Its central message is clear: “I do not accept your self-harming or harmful behavior towards others, but I will not leave or attack you because of it.” It is an active and respectful way for parents to take a clear stance against unacceptable behavior without humiliating or excluding the child. The goal is not to “defeat” the child but to restore connection and strengthen the relationship. Parents do not fight against their child but for their child – with an attitude of steadfastness, clarity, and respect.

The Importance of Parental Self-Esteem:

A central question is: What do parents need to be able to give their children what they need? Strengthening parental self-esteem and the own conviction of being capable of acting is crucial. When parents again experience themselves as competent and valuable, they can give their children support and guidance. Support through coaching and counseling can help parents to perceive their own boundaries, feelings, and needs again and to stand up for them.

The essence of parental presence can be summarized in three statements: I am here. (Regardless of the child’s behavior) I stay. (Even in difficult times and setbacks) I am not alone. (The willingness to accept support)

These principles illustrate that parental presence is based on relationship instead of control, on persistence instead of punishment, and on community instead of isolation. Parental presence is therefore more than just being present; it serves as the key to a strong parent-child relationship. It is an active, engaged attitude that enables parents to remain capable of acting even in difficult situations and to build a sustainable relationship with their children. By strengthening their presence, parents naturally regain their parental authority – not through fear, punishment, or distance, but through a loving, steadfast, and reliable relationship.